Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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