I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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