I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
