i already hear my dad disowning me
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
