the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize