While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
