I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
