It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
