i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
