i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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