this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
