Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
