did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Alive.
So much puke
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
