Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You dont lie about slip and slides
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
