So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
