and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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