My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize