my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Dick very happy bro
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
