So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I licked your asshole in confidence.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
