turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
