i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
