Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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