i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Two words: blizzard sex
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
