I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
