Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
