My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
