if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
