I wish I only lived at night.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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