Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
