Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Randomize
