Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
