I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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