i just made my gag reflex go away.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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