When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
