i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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