All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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