I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
