fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
