I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Randomize
