when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
