thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
