just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
