Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
