Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
