rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
