My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
