why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
she woke up with a sticky ear
you have to choose: penises or morals?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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