I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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