On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
You took a bar mat shot.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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