This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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