worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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