I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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