i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize