I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
