I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
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