No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
