Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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