I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
