how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize